What Was I Supposed To Do:

that day in mediation, when I heard Bolster say he would beat me in court and I would have to pay $20,000 in court costs?

Don't you people realize I was hurt that day? That I live today trying to pull it together and live with what you did to me.

Every single day I have to deal with something, something comes up that is a result of what they did to me.

I cannot pat myself on the back for what I have done I am not doing it well. I just try one day at a time to get to where I want and need to be.

I need to be with my kids. I cannot go there penniless like I am now. I need to sell my house despite the bad housing market and this house is so run down now; its been years since I could afford to fix anything around here. I can't live with my kids. They have families of their own.

I have to go. I have to be with my family. I know being close to them will be better for me.

If this case had been paid out as it was supposed to have been; I would have sold this house, bought a small humble house close to my kids and their kids. I would pay off all my debts and medical bills. I have two judgements out there against me that were filed in the last two months for medical bills.

I would be there now. I would do things on a regular basis with my family. My grandkids dont have a good time when they visit me. I get so tired. I sleep at least 12 hours a day. They got bored and called their parents because the wanted to come home because Grandma Cookie is always sleeping. When they got home they told there mothers how bored they were and one of my girls was so frustrated she said her daughter could not come see me until she is driving. She is 11. That was like a knife to my stomach.

If I was there now, I could help raise these kids. I could take Morgan to the bookstore to buy a book and have our coffees; once a week instead of maybe once a year. I miss him so much. I just started writing them all letters.

I would not spend so much time alone. This is making me ill too. I go days without seeing another person. I fill up my car and it lasts 6 weeks. I did not choose this.

I am very sad this accident happened when the two oldest grandkids were so small. They do not have the memory of a happy and active Grandmother. They just know me as this tired ole woman who is hurting always. I push myself to do things with them. But with young kids that isn't enough.

My kids do not know how tired I am of living alone, living in so much pain, living with such depression and dark thoughts. I dont tell anyone. If I did they would take me away from my home. I could not hurt them. But what can I do? I am the one who is forced to life this life. No one knows except me.

I feel like I was thrown under the freaking bus by the insurance company, their lawyer, my last employer and supervisor there, by my lawyer, the Insurance Commission here in NC, The Bar Association, the Governor, our Senators, etc they all threw me under the bus. A perfect saying for where I am, down and if I move I could be run over totally.

Everyday. I have to put out a fire. It is a full time job just keeping my home, bare minimum bills, food for me and my pets. There isn't much money for anything else.

I could deal with this and work things out much better if I wasn't so sick, if I didn't have so much pain, if I wasn't so depressed. I dig down deep inside looking for more strength and energy to go on. I am so tired. Very very tired.

On some of the worst days, I dream. I dream of what it would be like living close to my loved ones so I could see them everyday if I want. I would love to feel like I was part of a family instead of this stranger living 300 miles away.

Why did it turn out like this? Why did so many people allow this to happen? Allow the insurance company and their lawyer to treat me this way. I cry a lot too. I cry with frustration I cry with loneliness, I cry in anger and protestation. Thanksgiving is coming this week and I will have to dig down very very deep to find something to be thankful for. I will be thankful when I am pain free and not feeling so badly.

The only time I have peace is when I am sleeping. So I sleep a lot. 12 to 18 hours a day and I need more.