No, I am not a loser. This is a watercolor painting I did last year. And it is featured on the American Pain Foundation in Voices of People In Pain Four weeks after submitting this painting to the American Pain Foundation I had my heart attack; March 14, 2006. But I did not die.
Last Night I Was Thinking
praying is more like it
one day a month
would asking for one day a month
be too much to ask
for just one day a month to
feel my body without
the noisy distraction of
pain
I just can't remember
what that feels like anymore
to not feel pain without all the
numbing meds
to scratch an itch without it hurting
to rub my muscles and feel soreness
because I rode the exercise bike
instead of bumpy ropey bands
of wasted muscles
Just one day a month without any pain at all
Is that too much to ask?
Quiet Wanted
the last time I had a day
without pain
I remember it clearly
It is a tease
leaving the acupuncture treatment
standing outside and leaning against
the brick wall I felt
nothing
no pain just a quiet
quiet sense of my body and
who I am without pain
Spring of 2001
two hours of beautiful silence
Knowing I need to say sorry
to all the people in my life
who have hurt too
because I let them down
over and over again
with reasons
they saw it as excuses
who could blame them
no one knows
unless they feel and experience it too
I run the apologies over in my mind
day after day
night after night
but never seem to get around to it
but I will
one day
when it is quiet
and I feel better hope it happens
I have caused pain too
and I am sorry
Narcotics
they numb me down
and I get forgetful too
yeah they cover that pain pretty good
so I can climb Mt. Everest
they are supposed to help me for eight hours
6.5 hours later the pain comes back
they, the pills and my pain
make me forget to care about my kids
my friends
my responsibilities
they wrap me up in a tight little
cocoon so I don't feel much
of anything at all.
People say to me
you are so strong
I admire you and don't
know if I could be so strong
it is better to let them believe
what they want
you are so brave
if only they knew the truth
they would say something else
or nothing at all
you will get over this
that is the biggest lie
of all
they need to believe this
to even look at my face
or hear my voice
or think of me at all
I am not mad
and I let them believe
what they have to believe
but I know better
and it is not okay
so I say nothing at all.
I cry
when I see my cat's ruined ear
when the whole day goes by
and the telephone doesn't ring
when the pain is bad
that is a given
but I cry
when I realize I spent
the entire day in bed
and it is dark again
I cry when I can't get over
how poor I am now
and can't do much about it
I cry
when I think about the little ones
in my family
I can't and never have
played with them not once
I cry when I know
my kids don't get it
I don't blame them
it just makes me sad
I cried guilty and angry tears
when first Linda died
and a few years later
Nena
I cry when I see
Johannes’s lonely face
he is just a dog
and deserves better
I cried when his family died
I cry so much now
but it is just short bursts
of sadness'
with tears running down my face
and a few minutes later
I am "okay" again.
Tonight I was thinking
how much better I feel
because
I reached out
to the ones that mean the most to me
to say I need you
I need more
than you been giving
its my turn
to ask for help
I love you
but you haven't been paying attention
and I am worth
some of your time
Hands Knotted
I was just asking
for one day a month
and today
you give me something
else to deal with
my hands are hurting
and they won't close
and open
painfully flexing fingers
I hate winter
for just this reason
my toes are hurting too
I stretch them
just a bit
and receive a knife
cutting on my foot
just leave my hands
alone
please
I Am Afraid:
I was afraid five years ago
when nothing was known for sure
about what was the source of the
pain
I was more afraid three years ago
when we knew what it was that caused
pain
I was afraid two years ago
when I could no longer work
it hurt too much
Last year I was afraid when I gave up
all thoughts of ever being able to work again
because of the pain
I am still afraid because I look to the future
and see more pain
and not much else
And I am afraid no one
will ever want me
or find me attractive
because of how I feel
pain
pain separates me from all the things
that I love, want and dream about
I am afraid nothing will change that
because I am too tired
I just want to be left alone
not from the ones that I love
and care about so much
but from the takers
who have taken so much
leave me be
talk to me without a trace
of humanity
take all you want
there is nothing left for you
of value
just ole sad dusty sentimental things
nothing you could possibly want
take it
let me have my peace
I have done my part
the best way I can
the only way I can
go elsewhere to make
another miserable
leave me to paint
to dream
to hope
to heal
and to rest
and to love those that matter most
Numbing Down
Dumbing down
those anti-depressants that are supposed to
help us yeah they make us forget
or feel lighter
or happier
but caution is needed
they make us forget things
important things
they dumb us numb us
so we don't care much
don't feel much
don't worry much
coming off them is very tough
because all the unpleasant necessities of life
wake up
and we wonder what happened
did we hibernate
we were numb to the necessities of life
our responsibilities
the fog got me into trouble
now I have to deal with the mess
of trouble I am in
I wish someone had been paying attention
to the warning signs just be alert
to my numb and dumb state
I wasn't really there
or paying attention
I was numb to the pain
and the unpleasant necessities of life
